A Letter To the Husband Watching His Wife Battle Postpartum Depression

Dads Have Postpartum Depression Too

Dear Husband Who Loves His Wife With Postpartum Depression-

If you're reading this letter, it's because you love your wife and you want to know how to help her. I am writing this letter as an OBGYN who has walked beside many women through postpartum depression….and as a mother of three who has lived through it myself.

Over the years, I have cared for countless women during the postpartum season. I have treated their physical recovery, listened to their fears, and watched them sink into postpartum depression.

But there is something I have come to understand that isn’t talked about nearly enough:

Postpartum depression doesn’t just affect mothers.

Postpartum depression affects fathers too.

And if you are the husband watching the woman you love struggle with motherhood, you may feel more helpless than you have ever felt in your life. But there are a couple of things you can do to protect your wife. If your wife is having thoughts of wanting to hurt herself or the baby (yes, ask her this question), bring her to the emergency room to get help and talk to her doctor. Go with her to a doctor's appointment and to a therapy appointment. Protect her safety by removing the things that can hurt her, like locking up the guns and not letting her be alone while you are at work. These are practical things that can save your wife's life. But while you support her, you will need to be supported too. The collateral damage of postpartum depression is real.

If you're a supportive husband, you probably have put your own needs on hold as you have cared for your wife and your baby. I see you. Thank you. Even if she can't thank you right now, she will thank you someday.

I watched my husband walk through this too

When I had postpartum depression, my husband watched me sacrifice my body during pregnancy and postpartum. He saw the pressure I felt to figure out breastfeeding, pumping schedules, milk supply, latch issues, and the endless cycle of feeding a newborn every few hours. He saw my desperation and detachment when our baby had colic.

He became the dishwasher for bottles and pump parts.

The diaper changer.

The one bouncing the baby in the middle of the night so I could sleep for a few minutes.

He was doing everything he could to support me.

But even with all of that…

He still couldn’t take over the responsibilities that came with being our baby’s mother.

And when I began to spiral into postpartum depression, he felt helpless.

He loved me deeply.

But his love alone couldn’t rescue me.

It was hard for him as he helplessly watched his wife withdrawing from motherhood and from life.

By the grace of God, we made it through.

And if you are walking through this with your wife right now, you will too.

Postpartum depression doesn’t always make sense

Your wife may look happy when she’s holding the baby.

She may smile in photos. She may even tell people she’s fine.

But inside, she may feel crushing sadness or overwhelming anxiety that she cannot explain.

From your perspective, things might look like they’re going well.

The baby is healthy. You’re adjusting to life with a newborn.

You may have even got to the six-month mark and the baby is sleeping better...

and yet your wife is still not herself.

She may suddenly start crying uncontrollably.

She may blame herself for things that aren’t her fault.

She may seem distant, overwhelmed, or emotionally exhausted.

Postpartum depression doesn't occur in just the first six weeks after birth. The whole first year after childbirth is a recovery for women physically, emotionally, and mentally. Postpartum depression may not show itself until all of the pressures of mothering, career, and marriage escalate to the point of not being able to pretend anymore.

When she shuts down, you might find yourself wondering quietly:

“Where did my wife go?”

“When is she coming back?”

She is still in there.

But she is not the same woman who walked into the hospital.

Motherhood changes a woman in ways no one can fully prepare for.

Her body changes. Her sleep disappears. Her responsibilities multiply overnight.

And suddenly the entire world expects her to instinctively know how to be someone’s mother.

She has taken on all of her pre-pregnancy responsibilities along with the pressure of raising a baby well.

And if she can't take care of her other children to the standard she expects of herself, she feels like a failure.

That kind of pressure can break even the strongest woman. And so she shuts down.

She is growing into a new woman.

But she will come back to you if you're willing to grow with her too.

And I know this is hard to hear, but your love alone cannot cure postpartum depression.

But that does not mean you are powerless.

Because even if you cannot fix it…

Your presence may be the very thing that helps her survive it.

Trying to fix her will only push her further away

She may love your baby deeply.

She may not respond to you the way you are used to.

She may simply feel.... frozen.

Imagine your wife frozen inside a block of ice.

Your instinct may be to attack the ice and to break her out as fast as possible.

So you swing harder.

You try new strategies.

You search for solutions.

But every strike of the ice pick just makes the ice feel thicker.

But if you stay beside her long enough and wait for the sun to warm the ice, something else happens....

The ice melts. And spring returns.

Your mission right now is not to break the ice.

Your mission is to create warmth.

Do the dishes.

Hold the baby.

Speak gently.

Protect her rest.

And pray like a warrior fighting a giant.

What she needs most from you right now

Your wife does not need you to solve her depression.

She needs you to be her safe place.

She needs to know she can tell you the scariest thoughts in her mind without being judged.

She needs to know she can fall apart in front of you without disappointing you.

She needs to know you still admire her, even when she feels like she is failing.

She needs to know your love for her is unconditional.

She needs to know you are not going anywhere.

She needs to know you still believe in her.

If she senses that you think she is irrational or dramatic, she will retreat deeper into herself.

But if she senses that you are patient, steady, and safe…

Something powerful begins to happen.

The ice around her begins to thaw.

How you can support your wife

1. Hate the disease, not your wife

Postpartum depression is an illness.

Your wife does not want to feel this way.

If she could switch it off, she would.

But think of it this way: If she had cancer, you would fight beside her. You would go with her to her appointments. You would change your life to help her beat this disease. You would help her get access to medications and not shame her for needing them. You would take time off of work to help her go to therapy. You would enable her to enable herself.

2. Don’t take her distance personally

When she pulls away emotionally or physically, it usually isn’t about you.

She may not feel safe telling anyone how intrusive the thoughts are. She may feel like she is a burden.

She may feel frustrated that she cannot stop the thoughts. So then she just stops talking and isolates herself. Tell her it is okay to sound like a broken record and that you will listen patiently. Her silence doesn't mean that she is better. Don't be afraid to re-visit the conversations about the hard things if it will keep her present with you. And seek the help of a village to keep you both accountable.

3. Let her feelings exist without fixing them

Instead of saying:

“Isn't this baby what you wanted?” "Aren't we enough for you?"

Try saying:

“I’m here.” “That sounds really heavy.” “You don’t have to carry this alone.”

Learn how to affirm her emotions without telling her how she should feel. She knows she should be happy about the baby, but that doesn't mean she feels it. A counselor or therapist can help you with these responses to keep the conversation going rather than shutting her down.

4. Help her find her balance and identity

Some women feel restored by returning to work.

Others feel overwhelmed by it. All of the coordination of breastmilk pumping, trusting a new childcare provider, and fulfilling job responsibilities can be too much to balance.

If it is financially possible, give her options to choose if she wants to work full-time, part-time, or stay home.

Feeling like she has a choice may restore the sense of control that she needs to heal.

5. Get support for yourself too

Watching someone you love battle depression is exhausting.

You are allowed to need help too.

Talk to a trustworthy friend. A kind pastor. A wise counselor. Your medical professional.

Strong husbands are not the ones who carry everything alone.

Strong husbands know when to ask for help.

One last thing

The most important thing you can do for your wife is pray for her and pray for yourself.

You can ask her Creator to change her heart and give her hope.

There is power in the simple prayer of "Jesus, help my wife find joy again."

You can ask your Creator to give you strength and wisdom. "Jesus, give me tenderness and patience to be her husband through this frozen winter."

As you trust God with your family, you will find a deeper relationship with your own Creator.

Right now it may feel like winter will never end.

But postpartum depression is treatable.

Healing does happen.

One day your wife will laugh again in a way that feels familiar.

One day the ice will melt.

And when it does, she will remember something important.

When she was frozen in the ice of postpartum depression…

You stayed.

You didn’t run. You loved her anyway.

And that kind of love can carry a marriage through every season.

Spring will come again. Hold on.

Your Friend,

Rachelle

Check out this song on spotify or your streaming platform ("I'll stay until spring")

I'll Stay Until Spring

by Woven Motherhood

They laid our baby in your arms

And the whole room filled with light

But in the quiet of that moment

I could see a different fight

You smiled for every picture

But your eyes were far away

And I kept asking heaven

How to help you through the day

I tried to fix the breaking

Tried to make the darkness thin

But love alone can’t melt the storm

You’re frozen in

Chorus

So I’ll stay until spring

Till the ice around you breaks,

I’ll hold the night and hold our babe

Till the morning starts to wake

I can’t fight this war for you

But I won’t walk away

If winter’s where you’re living

I’ll stay until spring

I’ll stay until spring

⸻

You gave your body to this life

Every breath and every scar

Now the world just expects you

To know exactly who you are

And I wash the bottles in the sink

Rock the baby back to sleep

Praying God will hold the pieces

Of the woman that I keep

⸻

Bridge

I’ll pray like a soldier in the dark

As long as it takes, I’ll stay,

I’ll be there to hold your heart

Trusting in God this way

⸻

So I’ll stay until spring

Till the ice around you breaks,

I’ll hold the night and hold our babe

Till the morning starts to wake

I can’t fight this war for you

But I won’t walk away

If winter’s where you’re living

I’ll stay until spring

I’ll stay until spring

Till your laughter sounds like home again

Till the sunlight finds the road you’re in

I can’t promise easy days

But I promised you this ring

So when you’re lost inside the winter

I’ll stay until spring comes again.

Check out Molly Wilcox's podcast, "Holy Labor: The Real Work of Faith, Healing, and Trauma in Motherhood" Episode #6

"Is there anything I can do to help?" - a father's perspective as he watched his wife go through birth trauma and postpartum depression.